Sunday, February 14, 2010

Chicago Trips by Kels (Via Text)

"How's your trip?"

"It's fine. I got you a present."

"Oh joy! Did you see the babies in the tubes*? That's my favorite thing about Chicago."

"Yeah, we did."



*Kels is referring to a portion of the Museum of Science and Industry about the birth process where they have actual stillborn specimens encased in glass to show the different stages of fetus development. It gives me the willies and makes me cry (especially because I left my birth control at home and have been a weepy mess since Friday). My sister is morbid.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

The One Where I'm a Douche Bag

Last night I yelled at my boyfriend. I know, right? That like, totally never happens.

Moving on.
So, I yelled at him. Because it was late and I was tired and I had gotten home and realized that he'd deleted the background on my phone because he thought it was a bad picture. And now my phone is blank.

Then, I fell asleep while I was talking to him, never quite resolving the issue entirely.

But then, I got in to work this morning and opened my email:

Subject: sorry about deleting the picture

Message: At least you still have these. The one where I look retarded is the most awful picture I've ever taken btw.



Tuesday, February 2, 2010

How to Demonstrate Your Stupidity With Only Your Vehicle

1. Affix a Jesus fish to the outside.
This will not only show me that you are an over-judgemental prick, but an over-judgemental prick that needs attention. Look at me, everyone! I'm Christian! That makes me a good person!

2. Cover your car in bumper stickers.
I don't care if you voted McCain/Palin 2009 or that you're only driving fast because you have to poop or that you like Insane Clown Posse. Save it for your E-Harmony profile.

3. Install stupid rims.
If they spin or are bigger than the tires themselves, save your money to spend on an unnecessarily loud speaker system.

4. Paint it an unnatural color.
Fact: 4 out of 5 car accidents are caused by temporary blindness incurred by chameleon coated vehicles. Guns don't kill people. Ugly cars kill people.

5. Drive a Hummer.
Nothing says "Douchebag" like a vehicle modeled after military equipment that uses more fuel than a private jet. Plus, if one more girl in a burqua driving one of these monstrosities tries to run me over in the parking lot at school, I'm going to scream.

6. Drive a Smart Car.
Good for the environment? Sure! Good for the driver? Uh....not so much.

7. Drive a Toyota.

33 miles per gallon and a probable death guarantee!