Tuesday, August 2, 2011

I need you to know something

I am terrible at keeping plans. I am a procrastinator (and a forgetful one at that) and I will find whatever else there is to do and do that before doing something I don't want to do. Wait, did that make sense?

Basically, I got distracted and didn't keep up this blog like I promised. Whatever. Sue me.

Anyway, this post will rattle on and border --oh hell , it will probably cross over--on TMI territory. But these are things I need to say. Besides, nobody reads this anyway except maybe Bonnie. Hi Bonnie!

A few months ago I had my annual check-up. I was five months late on doing so. Typical, right? But we're getting off track here. Moving on.

At my annual (late) check-up, I told my doctor that I had let my perscription for my birth control pills expire and was having horrendous, life-altering cramps again. This, my doctor determined, was due to ovarian cysts that would go away once I was back on birth control. So she put me on Seasonique*, which for those of you that don't know, is a birth control pill that keeps your period at bay for longer than usual so that you onle get one every three months. Four a year. Sounds. Awesome.

Um no.

A month or so into taking these pills, everything started to change. I was angry or sad or just...blah. Nothing. Numb. All the time. I was unable to get excited or be happy for anything, although flying into a rage or hysteria was pretty easy for me. I had terrible mood swings and poor Corey had to walk on eggshells around me because I was constantly starting fights.

Then, my stepmom died.

I thought I was sad all the time because of her death, and yes, that was the main cause. But I couldn't function in real life anymore. I would cry for hours and scream and Corey would have to hold me against a wall in our condo so I didn't hurt him or myself. It wasn't me.

People told me it might have been the pills. My mom and Corey were sure of it. But I was adamant. I hadn't had a problem before. They were crazy. I was fine. The end.

Except that I wasn't fine. Every day was worse than the one before it. When I feel normal, every day is a new beginning. But now every day was a new end. Everything was over and I had nothing and nobody cared and the world was a horrible place. It was awful and scary and frustrating and I began to think that there was no way out other than to die. And I thought about it all day every day until one morning after starting a fight with Corey before the sun was even up. I went into the bathroom of our brand new apartment and grabbed a bottle of Target brand Ibuprofin and shoved a handful into my mouth. Before I was even able to chew or swallow or do anything, I was on the bed with Corey on top of me, his hands in my mouth. I choked as he dug his fingers into my throat scooping out red-coated pill after red-coated pill and screaming, "How many did you swallow?" None.

That was the last day I took those pills. And yeah, I do feel better. A lot better. I can laugh again. I don't cry as much. I get excited about things and can make jokes. Corey says he feels like he got me back. Like I came back from the dead.

Well, maybe I did.


*According to my Google search skills, depression among Seasonique users is a common occurrence. Funny, it's not on the warning label! Anyway, I'm sure you can do your own research, but here is one of the stories I read that pretty much summed it up. As always, talk to your doctor about drugs and their effects because I have no medical training. At all.


  1. Scary, there are definitely other options.
    And I read this!

  2. I had the same issue with Chantix, depression so bad, life wasn't worth it. Sometimes I feel it is better to deal with issues without the help of drugs. And I also read this!

  3. and I'm really glad you're feeling better....