Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Let Me Slip Into Something A Little More Uncomfortable

Internet, we have a few brief things to discuss and I will let you out early (Sidenote: That is my most favorite sentence in the entire world to hear from my professors.). I'm about to make you reallllllllly uncomfortable. Enter at your own risk.

First off: Summer. I miss it. I know, I know. I bitched and moaned and lamented and wondered when oh when fall would start. But you know what? I miss tank tops and shorts and sunshine and Slurpees. I do. Summer, I am sorry I doubted you.

Second: Why does everyone always think I'm pregnant? One mention of a craving or a stomach ache or, "I have to tell you something" and everyone's all OHEMGEE do we need to make a drug store trip? I will totally go with you and guard the door to the public bathroom while you pee on stuff. Do you people have like, a checklist or something you go through?

Has to tell me something? Check!
Stomach ache (regardless of whether or not it's in the AM)? Check!
Random craving for Swedish Fish? Check!
Cranky? Check!
Cries for no reason? Check!
Big, squishy gut? Double check!
Period? Doesn't matter, it's probably spotting.

Seriously, people. Too much I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. These traits? These are my normal everyday traits. I have a weak stomach and am lactose intolerant. Maybe someday (80 bazillion years from now) when I AM pregnant, I will feel tip-top, eat a healthy, balanced diet and will have total control over my emotions. Then you'll know what's up and you can be there when I accidentally give birth in the bathroom.

Third: Doctor's appointment is Monday and quickly approaching. I am reaching panic mode. Do I get there early? Do I bring my iPod to drown out the scary/uncomfortable? Do I participate in No Shave November (TMI? Don't care.)? Do I talk to her? Do I stay silent like I'm at the Dentist? Do I refrain from making echoing noises when she's down there? Do I wear body glitter? Do I draw a face and do a ventriloquist act? Do I tell her to buy me dinner first? WHAT DO I DO?!* I'm thisclose to just cancelling the appointment altogether. That is how afraid I am.

Alright, Internet. I'm glad we had this talk. You're dismissed.


* Note to self: Refrain from making pregnant jokes as with x-ray technician.

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