Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Burn, Baby Burn

Oh what a mess I've gotten myself into this time.

I mean, I make stupid decisions; we know this. I mean, look at my ex-boyfriend.

Ew. Shudder!

Anyway, what I have done this time is right up there.

You see, my legs? They are milky white. Glowing white. In fact, they are nearly transparent-skinned white.

And my arms? They are normal.

And I find it ridiculous that I require constant applications of sunless tanner FOR MY APPENDAGES TO MATCH IN COLOR.

So what did I do? I went tanning.

Yes, tanning. At this fine establishment a block from my house:And the girl was all, "I suggest a Level Two tan because that's what most people get."

And I was all, "Awesome. Let's go."

"I usually do a stand-up because it's the most even. In fact, some people usually use laying-down beds and then use the stand-up when they want to even it out."

"Okay, standing it is."

"How long do you want to go in for?"

"How long should I go in for?"

"12 minutes is the maximum."


And then she was all, "Are you sure? You don't burn or anything?"

And then I was all, "I don't know. I've only done this once. Let's go, I guess."

I. Am. Stupid.

Long story short, my entire body is sunburned and I wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I'm sleeping on shards of broken glass.

Plus, I'm this color:Please note my Budweiser pajama pants as they are unbelievably sexy. Also sexy? My no-ass.

Also, I am a fat kid.

I know this.

You know this.

We know this.

I've been getting fat lately. Probably because I haven't gone to el gymo in two weeks. Or because I woke up to this:
The empty candy box and I are expecting a child in April and we're trying to make things work.



  1. When I first heard you had a terrible sunburn, I was going to give you the sunblock/sunscreen-we-had-an-uncle-who-had-a-chunk-of-his-nose-removed-because-of-skin-cancer-and-just-look-at-Dooce lecture. But this is different and much worse. I don't think I even HAVE a lecture on the evils of tanning salons. Hmmm...I may need to get back to you on this.

  2. Oh, I KNOW the evil. The evil is trying to escape my flesh.