Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Children Are the Future

That's right! I am the future of your country! You are granted the right to build a panic room, underground shelter, and/or hide your head under the bedsheets (because everyone knows that what we can't see can't hurt us). I won't take it personally.

Because sometimes, I have full conversations with people that I don't realize are weird until it's too late. Like, 13 hours too late.

For example. (Oh you know all the good stories start that way!)

Yesterday, I was talking to Jen on instant messenger and somehow got into the subject of turning into a pillar of salt. (I believe it was in reference to Steve threatening to be wearing his boxers on his head if I arrived late for camping on Friday. Anyway.) And I told her, that it would be okay if I turned into a pillar of salt (as long as I could turn back into a person) because then I could help people with french fries.

Seriously. I said this.

And she expressed distress at this prospect saying that if I were salt and people ate me, pieces of me would be missing when I turned back. And do you know what I told her?

I told her that it would be okay because they would just "take a little off the gut" and it would be a win-win. I told her that my superpower was going to be teaching people not to be greedy.


But listen! That's not even the worst part.

The worst part is that later that night, as I was lying in bed drifting off to sleep and mindlessly babbling on the phone to Corey, I repeated this to him. I subjected more than one person to my vision of SALT PILLAR SUPERPOWERS.

But you know what? It's okay because he is just as insane.

He told me he would turn into a giant glass of water and dissolve me and he would help countries where there was no clean water like Somalia.

And I, indignant, shouted into my poor cell phone mouthpiece, "HA! You won't be able to help anybody because salt water is undrinkable!" And I was confident in my response.

Until he shouted back, "SOMALIS WOULD WANT ME!"

This was all before we started talking about titles for gay porn movies (which I think we totally have a future in, by the way) and arguing about whether Forrest Hump or Star Whores would do better.

Fear the day that people like us run the world.


P.S. Now I have THIS song stuck in my head.

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