Friday, July 17, 2009

To All the [Boys] I've Loved Before...

Listen, boys,

From Jeff, the subject of many of my attempts at writing a novel in the 9th grade, to Jordan, the second hour English class hottie, to my 11-12th grade obsession whom I shall not name since we're still friends, to those up until the present day: It was nice while it lasted. What we had was special.

One of you grew up to sleep with my best friend. One kissed me (the second person to ever do so) and then must've changed your mind and ditched me a few days later. One led me on for a few months and then went away on a religious mission and never called back again. One turned into a psychotic, controlling abuser.

Nevertheless, you all had one thing in common: I followed you around like a puppy waiting and wishing that someday you'd like me back.

But guess what. That never happened.

So I moved on. I found myself a boy I'm happy with and hope to stay with. We're good together.

We laugh. We cry. We argue about whether or not "demasculated" is a word, whether it's John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt or John Jacob Jingleheimer Smith (Schmidt, by the way. I win!), and whether the Muffin Man of nursery rhyme fame is a man that bakes muffins or a giant muffin with arms, legs, and facial features.

Basically, we're awesome.

Anyway, what I want to say to you is that you had your chance, you blew it, and it's never coming back. But that just doesn't have the ring to it that I'm looking for. So I think what I'm going to do is look to my vast musical knowledge database to get my point across.

Maybe I'll say it like Joni Mitchell: "Now, don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone?"

Or perchance Ben Folds: "If I'm the person that you think I am; the clueless chump you seem to think I am, so easily led astray; an errant dog who occasionally escapes and needs a shorter leash, then why the fuck would you want me back? Maybe it's because you don't know me at all."

R&B sensation, Mya?: "I'm moving on, on, on, on. I'll be moving on, on , on, on. I'll be moving on." (Simple, but to the point.)

Ooh, what about chart topper and Chris Brown beatdown "victim," Rhianna?: "You put on quite a show. Really had me going. But now it's time to go. Curtain's finally closing. That was quite a show. Very entertaining. But it's over now. Go on and take a bow."

Or lastly, my personal favorite, Miley Cyrus: "Just because I liked you back then, it doesn't mean I like you now."

I'm happy and it's not my fault that you're not. So cut the drama and grow up and act like the men you're supposed to be (since the law saw you that way when you were 18).



  1. Congrats on not being the lovesick puppy anymore. I was once a doormat myself.

  2. Didn't the 80's have songs too, like Cinderella's Don't know what you got till it's gone?