Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Texts From This Morning

Good morning, internet! My, but don't you look lovely today! Why yes, I am slightly sweaty from running errands all over the building this morning! How thoughtful of you to notice!

My right ear and the right side of my throat are killing me and thanks to WebMD, I'm fairly convinced that I either have Mono, a Punctured Eardrum, Strep Throat, or Swine Flu. Also, as soon as my bottle of Vernors and my little package of Halls Defense runs out, bad things will happen, but until then, we'll be alright.

So we've spoken before about my ability to obsess, yes? Well, recently my obsession has turned to Texts From Last Night which is a fantabulous website where people submit strange, entertaining, and often drunken/high text messages. And I check it several times a day because it amuses me to no end.

However, my friends aren't that drunk all that much, so what I get are oversharing, hilarious, morning texts from work and/or class. And I'd like to share a few with you.

Without further ado (I've always wanted to say that. By the way, what exactly is "ado," anyway?), I present to you Texts From This Morning*:

  • "My cramps are terrible. Also, a lady I work with just gave me a box of tampons. Apparently, my face screams, "I'M ON MY PERIOD AND I MAY NOT BE PREPARED!""
  • "It's too darn hot." (A reference to the Ella Fitzgerald song.)
  • "We're fucking lost."
  • "Okay, for sure. I've had like, six Diet Cokes. Help!"
  • "Okay, he's not that freakishly tall. And yes, I'm texting you while I'm on a date."
  • "Bitch hoe."
  • "Why are boys so stupid?" "Deficiency in the Y chromosome."
  • "I feel like an inspiration to drunken sluts everywhere."
  • "Have I ever told you ______ always keeps his shirt on?" "Yes. When we went for sushi." "Haha, sounds like dinner conversation to me. Well the last time we did it, I knew he wasn't going to take off his shirt, so I kept my dress on and he got mad. Point being, we can cross getting fucked by a guy in a sweater vest off of our list of things to do before we die."
  • "Please tell my boyfriend that there is no such thing as Celebratory Head."
  • "I'm leading a boy on. I feel like I should feel bad about it, but I don't. Would I be a slut if I gave him the bang and boot? Supplementary question: Can you bang and boot someone you know you'll have contact with in a few weeks due to prior obligations?"
  • "If a small child carrying M&Ms passes me today, I will take the bag and run. If the kid is cute, I may take him or her as well."
  • "Sorry my weirdness is overwhelming this morning. I'm at work and no one knows what a freakshow I really am."
  • "I got my hair cut and the sytlist apparently didn't realize my hair is curly and after she dried it, I looked like a mix of a homeless hooker and Taylor Hanson."
  • "Wakawakawakawaka"
  • "Haha shut up! That gangster was just after my ginormous ass."
  • "Katie, I love you. You're the only one that texted me."
  • "You treasure every message from me."
  • "Well, I see you are tweeting so I know you are alive. Text me if you ever feel like it."

My friends are obviously much funnier than me.

Also, this just reinforces my post from yesterday: We are your future. Be afraid.



*Names have been eliminated to protect the not-so-innocent.


  1. i can't believe no one has commented on how funny your friends are. they are the funniest people on the planet!

  2. Ha, I can't believe it either!